Wednesday, November 2, 2022
I hope that everyone is doing well. As I was sitting here getting set up to write I heard the Lord say “Speak about why we are not to grow faint. What also came to me was that each week my words come across these pages as if I am the strongest woman in the world having to deal with the death of my son. Often when reading nonverbal text, I find that the writers’ emotions are not sometimes conveyed in the best way possible. So, this week I am railing it in a little because I want you to know that this is not a race for who can heal the quickest, but a journey for the slow and steadfast. May God’s grace set your soul on fire and carry you on this road to recovery.
I still remember the day that the Lord told me to blog about the passing of Joshua, I responded with tears saying no. Not because I wanted to be disobedient but because I did not want anyone to know my story and the struggles that I was going through. Letting people in and sharing my story was not something that I was open to at that time, especially because I keep a very small handful of people around me. Nope, I remember saying to him with tears streaming down my face thinking about why he would even tell me to do such a thing knowing that it went against my very nature. For weeks it played in the back of my mind causing me to think that God had turned his back on me and wanted to see me struck down. Even as I type this I chuckle because that is exactly who God is if we don’t go through the valley based on just one instruction not knowing where he is taking us, how could I learn to trust him with my deepest sorrow? There are so many silent battles that I have dealt with due to the passing of Joshua once that I do not share with anyone. Since his death peace is something that I have been trying to regain. And I know that this is not God’s will, I become easily frustrated at times and I know that if it wasn’t for his grace I would not be standing.
From a young age, this is something that I have always felt was missing and I now believe that this is the reason I got into so many fights as a child. Where no peace was it created friction and when I could no longer take it I lashed out. Now that I know better I know that this was never the Lord’s will for my life. I would use my mouth to tear down and not pull up when upset but all that has changed and I know that it’s only because I have now encountered Jesus. The Lord said something to me this week about the potter and instantly this verse from Jeremiah came to remembrance.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: 2 “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so, the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.5 Then the word of the Lord came to me. 6 He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel.
Verse 6 stood out to me where God asked Israel “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does? I was the clay in my father’s hands. Little by Little, he began to shape me, Little by Little he began to mold me. Go here, do this I would hear him say, and each time he gave me strength and reassurance that he had me in the palm of his hand. I was learning that there were ways to deal with the issues of life without causing internal harm to myself that would result in me doing things the way the world saw fit. The world teaches that we need to Lie, Scheme, and conspire to survive and even sell our souls for peace by doing actions that might require losing our values by doing deplorable things. But thank God for his word and that he continues to breathe life. Before Joshua died I was eager to learn what it truly meant to be persistent and steadfast in running after the Lord, but then September 24th, 2021, came and Goliath was before me poking his head in plain eyesight. It caught me off guard and with what seemed like nowhere to turn the many trouble nights began to shake me not only in my body but also in my walk with God. Many nights I wonder how I am going to continue to do life without Josh it seemed bizarre to me that at the age of 37 I was now the mother of a murdered child. Just even typing this sends chills down my spine. How could this have happened, also where was God when my child was being assaulted were questions that my mind now needed answers to. I often look at Joshua’s pictures wondering if I could have done something to stop this from happening to him. I felt and still sometimes feel like I let Joshua down.
You see when Covid-19 hit the OYAP Apprenticeship program that he has been enrolled in advised the students that they would not be open seeing that we would be going into a province-wide lockdown. They advised the students that there were 3 different options, but because I did not want him sitting home twiddling his thumb waiting for the program to reopen with no exact date seeing that we did not know when the Government of Ontario was going to lift restrictions I told him that I thought it would be best that he just apply for college. It constantly goes through my mind what if I had just waited would he still be here with us Celebrating his 20th birthday tomorrow somewhere on a beach as he had discussed so often? But if I stay in that frame of mind it would require me to become somewhat complacent which in end would drive me to a state of hopelessness and I know that is not a place that Joshua would want his mother to be. Goliath is such a vigorous name, but we know of him because of his infamous death at the hands of God’s servant King David. Giant one might call him, Exile in the Hebrew language was standing at my door. I will never forget the moment that the detective confirmed that it was Joshua’s body that was found lifeless on the trail that early September morning.
Lord as I sit here there is a weight climbing to the middle of my chest. Lord, I hate this feeling but what I truly hate is that this is even a page in my story. Lord help all of us that are struggling with the death of a loved one, especially those that were done by the reckless act of murder. Lord, I am asking you to blow fresh wind upon these cases causing the eyes of the Police to connect the dots that were invisible before. Leading them right to the doorstep of the ones responsible so that they will know that no wicked deed can go unpunished the way you determine fit for the sin that was committed. Catch them, Lord, and lead the will police right to the evidence that without a shadow of a doubt that it is them the police have been looking for.
Goliath wanted me to run, Goliath wanted me to turn with the stain of shame writing on my back as if I was the one that caused this pain. My Child’s name was now attached to murder and I still do not have the answers as to why.
Oh, Goliath why have you come to disturb my peace is what I so frequently wonder. Who gave you my address and paid you to visit me?
For the first few months following his death, it was very hard to even go and stay before Lord in prayer. Each time I went before the throne of grace, I would quickly retreat in fear of him seeing the embarrassment that I was now carrying because Joshua had been murdered. I have been asked why I felt that way by people and the only thing that came to mind was that murder was such an unkind thing and I did not want something like this to be associated with my family name. But God reminded me that his son King Jesus died and carried this burden for me. The mercy of God shielded me knowing that I had been wounded and was unable to walk, I was at my wit’s end and it was so hard for me because I had never dealt with such a tremendous loss. I mentioned in a previous post that this is not my first experience with death seeing that my mother and grandmother had both passed, losing a child struck me differently. Not only was I wounded but I had also gotten my sheets ripped off of me leaving me in the cold with no defense. Anyone who knew me and Joshua knew that I and him had a very close bond. Our conversations were so purposeful and we often spoke about the future and the dreams he had for himself, for me that is what I miss the most. We always bounced things off of each other and then would laugh when something crazy was said. Joshua’s killers had no right to do what they did. If I could just have 5 minutes with them I would tell them you have hurt me so much like do you even know what it is to cry in your sleep and then wake up to just lay there for hours wishing that the sleep would override this feeling. You have taken a piece of me. I look out my window watching the wind blow for some reason it’s as if the wind represents his life. One minute he was here and the next he is gone. But what can I do you stole him away from me and I know that he will never come back.
I had stopped going before the Lord, but he never stopped coming back for me. He never left my side. Morning after morning he would speak to me.
Matthew 18:12
“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?
It was not that I wandered off because I wanted to, but it was that someone thing had come and pulled me away from the pack. But God and for that, I will forever praise him. Night after night, day after day, literally minute after minute he would gently whisper “Matthew 11:28 Come to me all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. I was wounded and he carried me back to the pack. There were days that I found myself saying to the Lord I can’t do this Christian walk anymore, begging him to leave me alone – but he kept on keeping on evening sometimes in silence as if he was ignoring me but it was his love that kept overshadowing my request.
~Jesus thank you for being that friend that never gave up on me even when I was complaining~
Lord, Joshua is gone, and I have no grandchildren, but when you do decide to bless me with some I will tell them about you and why you are worthy to be praised and not because of how you have blessed me but because you are the covenant keeping God (Deuteronomy 7:9)
When I looked up the word “Faint” in the King James Bible a couple of definitions stood out to me. They were weak, feeble, imperfect, and not active, to lose strength and color. As I was writing the Lord asked me why is growing faint a place I don’t want my people to be. I am going to answer this with scripture.
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, [a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When we grow faint it is hard to believe that we will come out of the situation. When one grows faint it is easier to believe the lies of the wicked one when he says that God is not on our side. When one grows faint we can stop trusting God.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are not to grow faint no matter the situation. In the name of Jesus Christ Nazareth every destruction that has risen against you to cause you to look back or stop the pursuit of your destiny the blood of Jesus is against it. Matthew 16:18-20 Jesus said 18 And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock, I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not [a]prevail against it. 19 And I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth [b]will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”20 Then He commanded His disciples that they should tell no one that He was Jesus Christ.
No longer will you stay shackled to the lies of your situation that causes you to second guess what the Lord has spoken. I decree Isaiah 40:31 over God’s children the verse says chapter titled “Comfort for God’s people. “31 But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
Read these statements out loud and do it as often as you feel needed too. I believe that even as you begin to speak to them that the Lord is delivering his children that suffer from a faint heart and have started to grow weary.
I loose myself from all High Blood pressure rooted in fear and anxiety, and I command these spirits to come out in the name of Jesus.
I loose myself from a weakened immune system that is rooted in a broken spirit or broken heart and command thee spirits to come out in the name of Jesus
I meditate on the word day and night and whatever I do shall prosper (Psalms 1:3)
You are Jehovah -Jireh, my provider (Genesis 22:14)
You are El Shaddai, the God of more than enough (Genesis 17:1)
Closing Prayer
Lamentations 3:22-24
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion. Therefore, I will wait for him.”
Lord, we need you to cause us to never forget the Blood that was shed on “Calvary the place of skulls” translation of the Greek word Kranion and that it was done for the very situation that we are facing right now and will continue to face until you decide that it is our time to return to our true home. Help us to remember that we can call upon you no matter the time of day and that your arms are always open to rest in. Something big has come before us, but remind us that you are bigger than any circumstance that life throws at us. Cause us to journey with you without hesitation. Give us the strength need to never stop picking up our rock which is Jesus Christ and throwing it at Goliath.
2 King 13:17
King Joash came to Elisha on his sick bed and said “My father! My father!” he cried. “The chariots and horsemen of Israel!” And Elisha said to him “take a bow and some arrows. So, he took himself a bow and some arrows. Verse 16 says then he said to the King of Israel “Put your hand on the bow.” So, he put his hand on it, and Elisha put his hand on the Kings’ hands.
I will be paraphrasing from here- Elisha then tells the King of Israel to open the east window and he opened it. Elisha told him to shoot and King Joash shot off one of his arrows, as the King shot the arrow Elisha said that the Lord was delivering him from Syria (2 Kings 13:17) Please remember that I am paraphrasing this section of the scripture but I do encourage you to go and read this chapter for yourself and draw strength knowing that even in the greatest battle of your life that God is the great deliver.
King Joash shoots off only three arrows and then stopped. Elisha got angry and said why 3 you should have shot off 5 or 6 then you would have destroyed that army. Elisha died shortly after this and was buried in a tomb. Elisha’s tomb was opened to bury a spy and when the spy’s body touched the bones of Elisha the man was revived and stood on his feet.
I pray in the name of Jesus that tonight the spirit of the living God strike everything that has come to rob you of your peace and that his spirit would touch your life causing it to be revived in the powerful name of him who we called in Isaiah 9 wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God King Jesus.
Please continue to trust God and seek him without Hesitation God Bless and I hope this word was able to help someone.
#JOSHUAMOM
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