Tuesday, December 20, 2022
10:22 am
Psalms 8:10-12
10 A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked. 11 For the Lord God is our sun and our shield He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.12 O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, what joy for those who trust in you.
Last night I laid in my bed thinking about Joshua, I even shared a couple of his pictures on my phone status, it helps me cope when I am feeling these waves of emotions. He is gone and never coming back, this is something that my mind is still processing, each day is very hard, but I know that I have to keep moving but am I moving? or is it that the Lord is carrying me in his righteous right hand? I find peace in knowing that one day when my work is completed here on earth I will see him again in the presence of Father hand in hand in God’s perfect kingdom.
Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.
Trouble has found me, but I trust in the Lord. Grief has so many levels to it, but then there is this side that I feel like I needed especially when it came to my walk with God. This situation has taught me on a deeper level who God is and that I can trust him even when it hurts. I often say to people when encouraging them in tough times that if you haven’t been through hard times how can we tell the next person that this too shall pass? The death of Joshua will forever affect me, but I have to believe that I will not always feel like this. Joshua is my son and that will never change, but what I do hope changes is that more peace will come physically, mentally, and emotionally because I need that desperately. I want to be in a place where I can eventually face the storm instead of running with m back turned.
Lamentations 3:22
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
It’s been exactly 1 year,2 months, and 26 days since I have been without him, Joshua is his name. It feels much longer how I long to hear his voice Lord give me peace. You know when walking through the fire we don’t realize how good God is and that he is right there with us. Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. I honestly could not do this without God. His peace keeps me, his words soothe me, and his presence warms me in this unfamiliar place.
Psalm 124:1-7
1 What if the Lord had not been on our side? Let all Israel repeat: 2 What if the Lord had not been on our side when people attacked us?3 They would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger.4 The waters would have engulfed us; a torrent would have overwhelmed us.5 Yes, the raging waters of their fury would have overwhelmed our very lives.6 Praise the Lord, who did not let their teeth tear us apart! 7 We escaped like a bird from a hunter’s trap. The trap is broken, and we are free!
As I was reading, verse 7 spoke to me “We escaped like a bird from a hunter’s trap. The trap is broken, and we are free” I remember when I first started writing I shared that I felt like I was in a pit looking from the left to the right, knowing in my mind that I needed to climb out but sat there hopeless feeling lost, depleted, conquered and ashamed. I had this feeling like someone had just walked into my room and ripped the sheets off without warning leaving me uncovered without warning but God! I know that I am only one year in, and how I hate this part of my story that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I wish I could go back and just call him, or even had been there to hold his hand as he took his last breath but then I stop knowing within myself that God was protecting me because I would not have been able to watch my child take his breath.
Lord, I am asking in the name of Jesus that you would touch the mind of every parent and sibling dealing with the loss of their loved one. It is not easy having to wake up every day with a piece of you missing knowing that it could have been prevented. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Give them this peace that you speak of in the Mighty name of Jesus.
I have this hope that God is going to right this wrong and that it will impact not only my family’s lives but the world’s. Too many families are left grieving the loss of their children, mothers, and fathers due to murder, and it’s not okay. Lord, do something please I am begging you to intervene now its too much to endure. We can not continue to live in a world where people believe they can just take a life without any true consequences. Ephesians 4:26 says “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
I pray that we as a community can come to an understanding that anger doesn’t need to result in hurting someone because, in the end, we all hurt. I want his killers to know that when you did what you did you weren’t just hurting Joshua you did more than words can even express. If you spend one day with me you would see the pain and trauma that you have caused. I don’t know what sleep is, I am not happy anymore, do you know what that feels like to walk around pretending that you are okay when all you want to do is cry? Joshua was my son, and you took him from me without even thinking about what it would do to me and his siblings. You have a mom and know how she feels about you but yet you did the thinkable. I keep praying that God leads the police to you before you kill someone else. But my true desire is that you will surrender your life to King Jesus because without him you can do nothing John 15. You will never understand what you have done to me.
With Christmas quickly approaching in less than 5 days all I can do is remember the days that Joshua was here with us. We will forever miss his dancing, smile, and funny jokes. I and my family will forever hold them in our hearts, where no man can enter and take them from us again. I know that he is gone but his memory will live on forever and not by my doing but by God’s. To all those that read my post, I pray that something that I have written in the last 8 months has changed your life or even made you take life more seriously and understand that it truly is a gift from God. James 1:17 says “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
God is the author of these chronicles I just record what he speaks, and based on what he has been speaking to me I know that this is an area that grieves him as well, no parent should have to say goodbye to their children before their time. This is my second Christmas without my child, to those that are experiencing the same thing know that I know your pain and it sucks I am not going to sugar-coat it for one minute. But what I want you to take away each week is a new sense of awareness, and that GOD is who he says he is. Psalms 34:19-20 speaks “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; 20 he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. It may feel like it, but this won’t break you, allow God to help you grow from whatever it is that you may be facing.
As the opening verse said that “The Lord is a good refuge in times of Trouble, and you can cast your cares upon him. Please don’t shy away from him and come vulnerable before him even in tears telling him what it is that you are feeling and what it is that you need at that moment. Romans 5:3-5 3 Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Please do not lose hope I hear the Lord say “Better Days Are Coming”
Songs of the Week are sung by Pat Barrett feat Steffany Gretzinger and Amanda Cook called Sail
Worship Medley by Trey McLaughlin and SOZ
Mighty One sung by Todd Dulaney and Maverick City Music
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Love, The Carpenters’ Mother
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