December 2, 2022
The overwhelming impact of losing a child has caused me to question everything I know at times. This journey of grief really will humble you and make you realize that you are not the one in control of anything that happens in life. The slightest thing can cause a wave of emotions to arrive without warning and they do no mercy is shown wiping out anything that stands in its way that may attempt to block its grand entrance #Lordcoverme
Isaiah 59:19
So shall they fear the name of the Lord from the west, and his glory from the rising of the sun. When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him.
I had to frame an art piece that Joshua made when he was in grade 5, and just that like my feeling emerged overshadowing everything that I was doing before that moment spilling forward like a full cup of milk. Lord, I am asking you to cover me because what I am feeling is too heavy to carry.
Matthew 17:20
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
Believing is not the program and by the grace of God is know without a doubt that I have faith is larger than a mustard seed, but at times I still wonder why the Lord picked me to tell this story. At times I wonder if I am going to make it across this valley. But one thing the Lord keeps telling me is that “It’s not by might, nor by power, but by his spirit Zechariah 4:6”.
The story of Elisha and the Shunammite woman weighs heavy on my mind. I remember the days leading up to Joshua’s funeral praying earnestly speaking Lord I know you can do it and if it is your will rise him up but it never happened instead I stood watching as my son’s body lowered in a casket. Never, did I ever think that I would have to deal with something like this; I know that I mention this a lot but I’m telling you I wake up every single day and still can’t believe that my son is gone. I remember saying to my sister why me? and she gently reminded me that death visits everyone’s house without announcing and no one is exempt. As human beings, we tend to think that the bad things that we see on the news can never happen to us, but the hard truth is that bad things can happen to good people and that has been a hard truth to swallow. “Jeremiah 23:23 Am I a God who is only close at hand?” says the LORD. “No, I am far away at the same time”. God’s hand is never too far off and this week he gave me the courage to place one of Joshua’s pictures at my bedside. I look at it each morning sometimes wondering wishing that I could ask him why you didn’t run. Especially when you realized what was happening? Why didn’t you stay home that night? like I asked you often whenever you have class first thing in the morning. Joshua must have been so scared and then to just leave him there all alone; Lord I need you to move on my behalf and bring justice to this situation going to bed each night with no updates for the detectives is growing more and more challenging
If someone was to ask me what needs to be done to see less violent acts done by males, I would say that change needs to be brought into the educational system beginning at the school-age level as low as grade one. I remember speaking to one of Joshua’s old teachers saying that there needs to be some type of class lesson that mainly deals with one’s emotions and shows kids how to deal with their anger positively.
I remember at the beginning stages of this journey would go into the room that holds Joshua’s belongings and smell them. room and smell them. I have now stopped doing this because the impact of my sons’ scent overwhelms me. #Lordcoverme
8 years ago, when I decided to follow the call of God I wondered what life would be like. The only example that I had was my grandmother and to be honest her life was quiet, but she seemed fulfilled, no matter what even when hard times hit. I often would ask her how she was able to stay so calm even when tribulation came. Her response was always I know the God that I serve. I have my days where it seems like the joy has been zapped out of me but then I remember something that God spoke to me a little after the passing of Joshua. He said “Yes Joshua, brought you joy, but true Joy can not be found in earthly vessels. I couldn’t do this season without Christ, Isaiah 53:5 reads but he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds, we are healed. At times I feel like I am in the fiercest part of my battle with nowhere to turn, but he keeps showering me with peace and keeps my candle lit guiding me through with safe passage. Yet despite his blessing, it’s human nature that I feel heavily weighted at times knowing that I have to carry on without him leaving behind while I go onto my next stop.
Personal Prayer
Psalm 37:23-24 The Lord makes firm the steps of those who delight in him. Lord, I turn over the keys to the vehicle of my life, the road is too foggy to see, but as I type this I hear you say to me that it was never my duty to drive. Since Joshua’s passing, you have been telling me to be thankful and what comes to mind when I think about life is how I didn’t even realize until Joshua’s death that just going out and making it home safe is a blessing. Gratitude, you whisper to me often as I go about living my everyday life. Help me to understand that each breath is a blessing, and I am not to take it for granted.
In 13 days, my family will unwrap the present that they requested a while back. But what I want them to understand is that the best gift is understanding what Jesus did for them when he went to the cross. This tragedy should have shattered my family, instead, it has brought us closer, learning to trust deeper in the one who is called the Great I AM. In the last few months, we have journeyed with a counselor exploring new ways to live while keeping Joshua’s name alive. To be honest this has been a struggle for me because I have always been the type to shut down and hide my emotions not wanting anyone to know that I was wounded. But I have learned that I need to be more cognizant of my habits seeing that at times it can cause me to feel and act emotionless which is not a behavior that I want my children to mimic. Lord, I pray for those that have young children at home and that you empower us with the tools necessary to conquer our children’s quiet storms. Help me, help us to understand their silence or even being distant in the mighty name of Jesus.
Closing prayer
There is this song that I often listen to in times of weakness the lyrics sing “We will abide in You, Lord, Hide in You Lord, Rest in You Lord, Rest in You”. True rest can only be found in the one who made it and his name is Jesus. Mark 4:39 says He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. God quiet each storm, only you can do this and that is why I will forever call to you. Give us your ever-lasting peace, as I was writing this I imagined a newborn baby resting on his mother’s chest fully embracing the warmth of her skin. Matthew 6:33 seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. God, you know me better than I know myself, and I hate this part of the story. I wish I could go back and undo this heavy burden, but I know I can’t. Teach me to wait on you Lord and to trust this process without wavering in my faith and rust that you have made all things new. Lord hush the soul of each person hurting tonight, I plead the blood of Jesus over our minds and homes. Restoration is what I hear you speak in this season of giving. I am asking you again to reveal all parties involved that took Joshua’s life I seal this prayer in the matchless name of Jesus Christ.
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The Songs of the Week is called Man of Your Word Song by Maverick City Music and Mvini ( Restin You)// We Will Worship
Love, The Carpenters’ Mother
#JUSTICEFORJOSHUABENNETT