Monday, September 6, 2022
In the beginning when I started to write this blog, I said that transparency and integrity was important to me. But also, that if I could not express myself and be 100% real about my challenges that I am having while learning to cope with the death of my son Joshua then sharing my healing would be senseless. I have changed, this experience has changed me some for the better and some quite not. But thank God for his love, grace, and mercy but also that he cares about me so much like he does others that he takes time to highlight areas that need refining in me.
Father, creator of Heaven and earth have your way. May your carefulness be seen just like everything else you do. May the words I write glorify you. You are a just God and for that you are worthy.
I woke up around 3 am this morning, I struggle to sleep at times since the passing of Joshua. Oh, how my body desires rest but it never comes which is very hard because I am overly tired. I often look at his pictures at night thinking about what could have been if he were not taken. I have been trying get more focused and be intention with the things I set before me and listen to because as I touched on in my post original post called “Mind Games” where included in the outline of the Pain Plan that what we see and hear can affect our wellbeing. So instead of cruising the web I decide that I listen to something based on the word of God. So, I jumped on YouTube and this sermon which is just a teaching by a Pastor stood out to me. The title was “The Right way to deal with the wrong attitude taught by Pastor Keion Henderson.
To be honest like I said in my opening that things have changed about me, and one is that I have become more snappy but also a little hard on others when speaking to them and this is something that the Lord has highlighted to me over the past few months. I remember leaving a couple conversation after being called out for my rudeness or even just reflecting on words that I said knowing that I could have spoke differently. But for some reason I felt justified but would quickly hear God say why did you just say that to the person. My response to him now that I look back came from a place of selfishness. I would say stuff to him like “Well I am dealing with my own situation, and he would correct me with his truth which was “Does that mean that I can be rude to people? And I knew deep down inside that he was right, but my pain wouldn’t let me show it and this was just me being prideful which is not is good character to have especially when belonging to the body of Christ. I knew that hurting people with my speech was not the right thing to do. Sometimes I even walked away from situations regretting the things I said, but as we all know once something is out it can not be taken back and with that being said the Lord has been challenging me to be quite but also pause before I speak.
Pastor Keion’s teaching was based on the book if James, chapter 1 verse 19 introduction titled Listening and doing. James 1:19-20 says “My dear brother and sisters take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.20 Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
And that’s all folks, I am done. But honestly what a profound statement made there. God has spoken something that I believe like many verse actually the whole Bible that can changes one’s trajectory in life. Pastor Keion spoke wisdom while preaching and I will just include some of my notes that I took below as well as my personal insight that the Lord spoke to me as I was creating this week’s blog.
Father my you open our minds as we read, do, and correct our way of thinking. We know nothing but can gain something and its only because of you. I know you want to see your children including me set free and with that correction is a part of that. So, correct the areas that need to correct and straighten the crooked path in the Mighty Name of Jesus.
One thing that the Lord highlighted first to me from my notes was -to use my time wisely/ Stop arguing with people it produces nothing but strife. I believe that sometimes when bad things happen, we can sit under this victim label for to long. Which can sometimes be dangerous because it can give us this notion that because something has harmed us that we now have the right to do the same to others which is completely incorrect. And this doesn’t necessarily mean causing physical harm but can also include verbally striking one down with our word. Which can be more damaging because no one ever forgets the words spoken to them, especially in a heated moment.
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the Power of Lift and Death, and those that Love it will eat its fruit.
Pastor Keion’s teaching was so good that I took four pages of notes, but what the Holy Spirit spoke to me as I was writing this was that unless you yield and come under the leadership of Christ having four or even ten absolutely means nothing, and your notes are useless. One might ask why taking notes is important and I would say that its vital because the everyone has a different style of learning and most of us, I am a visual learner. So, I like to go back and look at things while I meditate upon them and ask for understanding because God is the greatest teacher. But also, that having personal notes is good for later down the road if you ever fall from understanding and need a quick refresher.
Matthew 12:34
You snakes! You are so evil. How can you say anything good? What people say with their mouths comes from what fills their hearts.
What was coming out when I spoke is what the Lord brought to my attention while reflection on conversations that did not end the way I intended them to. I had to ask myself where all this coming is from and with that the Lord was able to start a fresh with me and begin to pull back the layers of my heart that I have been hiding for far too long.
John 10:10
A thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But I came to give life—life that is full and good.
The King James version for the verse above say “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy I am come that they might have life, and that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. The abundantly life is not having money and riches but have self-awareness and freedom from mental anguish. To fully heal and start the healing process just like other things in many areas of our lives we must be willing to acknowledge that as human beings we do have short comings. Which is not a bad thing if we think about it. Its actually good because we have a mighty Father that his strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8-10) and for that I will shout Hallelujah not only for myself and my children for each and every person that has came across my page.
Proverbs 4:23
Keep thy heart with all diligence: For out of it springs the issues of life
If I could say one thing to add to that verse is that we should use wisdom as the scripture says to guard our hearts but leave it open to Jesus, we need him in there even when we do not think so. Lord, I pray that as I continue to write that this pen would flow freely as you wish. Let me no longer hold back the insight that you have given me because with you come freedom from pass hurt, judgment and resentment. I need you King Jesus and again I welcome you to come in as lover my soul.
Pastor Keion said some more key things that I think will help on this road to recovery.
1) Do not get an attitude so fast
Not everything is an insult and because the world has become so desensitized and I would say based on the number of deaths that happen each day sometimes people may not be so mindful when discussing the passing of your loved one, which can cause you to react from defence mode. But what God said to me is as I was writing that part was “Grace.” I have to remember that unless one has experienced this tragedy personally lets just be real, they are not going to know how I truly feel. And with that I should keep in mind that there is no need to take things the wrong way. Show grace to their spoken error the same way God has shown me grace with my unnecessary trait.
2) Life is not what happened to me. Life is my response to what has happened to me.
Something horrendous has taken place but it doesn’t have to make me into another person, but more importantly not who God has not called me to demonstrate. What the thief wants that they Bible speaks of is for Joshua passing to rob me of my peace and joy and that is not Gods will for my life and this is why as I wrote in my post called “The Joy of the Lord is my Strength” that Joshua brought me a joy but that my ever-lasting Joy must be rooted and establish is God. Because he is the true source of joy endlessly into a never-ending stream.
3) My character needs to resemble that of Jesus which is the true expression of God and to also listen to what God is speaking to me in those moments of uncertainty.
I can’t tell you how many times I am having a discussion, and something mentioned moves me and before I can even respond, God in that small still voice says refrain from speaking.
Pastor Keion went on to says that its okay to not respond, we do not always need to say something back and that is not something that is taught. Right now, we live in a finger happy society where anyone can get online and say anything but know that based on the word of God there is not wisdom in that and as Proverbs 16:18 says Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. A lot of people are falling and know that God is not pleased with this, but he give man their own free will to make decisions as they see fit but with that comes down falls and even sometimes embarrassment and if we are not willing to take heed from his instructions then as my mother would say “Who Can Hear, Must Feel” which is a Jamaican proverb.
We must remember that words have power. God formed the world just by speaking; Proverbs 18:21 says death and life are in the power of the tongue, Hebrews 11:3 by faith we understand that the universe was formed by the word of God. So, if the world and everything that is in it was formed by just speaking how do my word have impact? We should stop and think about this and also if the words that we are speaking represent Christ. Pastor Keion also said, and this was something that really helped me; he said that improper posture is attitude.
Despite our circumstances there is a way that we can leave our surroundings without making a negative impact on one’s well-being. There is an old saying that “hurt people hurt people, but would you believe God when he says that it doesn’t have to be this way. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! Take a look at the life of Joseph who was sold into slavery by his own brothers Genesis 37:28, then from slavery went to jail and was wrongfully accused Genesis 39:13. To only later being made ruler over pharaoh’s land of Egypt by the grace of God, and when in turn had the chance to hurt his brothers worse than what they did to him. But decided to provide food so that they and their families were able to survive when famine took over the land and later went on to invite them to join him in a great feast which they had never experienced before.
Hurt people, hurt people but a hurt person can receive healing so much so that they can be that encounter with someone where for the first time they able to experience Jesus.
I want to challenge my readers and don’t worry I will be doing the same to examine oneself and see where you might have caused pain due to the fact that someone has wronged you. Proverbs 15:1 says a soft word turns away wrath a harsh word stirs up anger.
Lord to whom all belong to, thank you that you brought me this area of healing before me. You have given me the pen as a sword, and I will use it to glorify you because without you I have nothing. May the words that you have spoken bring healing help me understand that although I have been hurt by the murder of my son, that I can still demonstrate and walk upright in the way you have called me to and that though your goodness my words, posture, and attitudes can represent you despite my circumstances. Thank you for bringing this area of correction to me and I know that it is because of your love, mercy and will for my life that you speak healing over me and your children. Mend these broken pieces Lord I commit my life into your hands Heavenly Father.
September 24th will forever be that day that changed my family forever, but I ask that you help us heal.
Please I ask that you continue to keep me and my family in your prayers as I do for every family that has lost a child/ loved one. Peace be still I hear the Lord speak and know that you get through this.
Felisha
Song of the week-
Lean Back by Maverick City Music
Never Lost by Rita Springer
(I do not own the right to these song)
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