Monday April 20th 10:30am
Exodus 23:29–30
I will not drive them out from before thee in one year; lest the land become desolate, and the beast of the field multiply against thee. By little and little I will drive them out from before thee, until thou be increased, and inherit the land.
Patience, I heard God say last night, healing can’t be rushed. God’s timing is perfect. Where am I today on this journey of healing from the passing of my son Joshua? Walking at the pace God has desired and do I even know what that means? I do. I remember feeling like I had to work and pray more and keep myself busy, doing what I felt was needed, and to be honest, sometimes it made me feel even more exhausted, which was not His plan for this part of my life.
As I sit here, I cry because I am remembering Joshua’s face, and he is gone. You see, the void is there, and the pain comes and goes, but the memory of knowing that I had a child who loved me more than words can describe hurts for many reasons. And patience is required when trying to understand all that has happened and all that one is feeling. In the verse, God says He “will not drive them out before thee in one year, lest the land be desolate and the beast of the field multiply against thee. By little and little…”
When I read that and think about grief, what comes to me is that the beast of the field is all the thoughts and feelings and emotions that we can feel, and removing them would cause more damage than allowing us to understand them. Feelings and emotions and responses are all natural and healthy things God gave them to us. They help us understand that something is wrong, and this is healthy. Learning yourself is one of the most selfless things that God wants us to understand. But He also wants us to learn what caused them to arise in the first place.
For example, as I mentioned, I just started to cry as I pictured Joshua’s face, and this triggered sadness, which led me to tears. God has helped me over the last four years understand that my tears are not a weakness, but are needed to fully understand that pain. Any emotions that I am having should be expressed, as this is why He has given them to us. But what He also wants me to say is that He feels the same way too about what has caused my grief.
How do you share or express what you are feeling? Do you struggle with expressing yourself or even allowing yourself to feel? If your answer is yes or no, I am happy that you are here, because these are all things that I have felt as well, and God wants you to know be patient with yourself. He understands and is doing the healing work.
Zechariah 4:6
Then he answered and spoke unto me, saying, “This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel, saying, ‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ saith the Lord of hosts.”
I sometimes forget that He will perfect that which concerns me and add more weight to the journey that was never meant for me to carry. And God wants you to know that as well. I encourage you, at whatever stage of grief you are in, to rest and trust that God understands. My prayer for all of us is that God’s peace that surpasses understanding will undergird us as we get to understand our feelings in this season.
I find worship music has really helped, so I pray that this song brings peace to your storm: “Maverick City Music – More Than Able.”
Xoxo,
The Carpenters Mother
